This Old Bot – Babydoll Fembots

Hello, my name is Zark Colepsy and welcome to today’s edition of This Old Bot. This rotation we will be looking at the renovations taking place on a whole collection of fembots created by a doctor for espionage missions. Here is our expert Harry Mann. Hi Harry can you tell us a little about why a doctor would create female spy and assassin robots?

Well, Zark, he’s a really evil guy. He’s not a medical doctor, he didn’t go to school all those years just to be called mister.

I see, did he have any specific jobs for these bots?

Oh, they are very good at ambushing swinging British spies.

Is there a reason he sold all of them?

Yeah, they’ve been replaced by some crazy super model units. The new units can actually use their bones as weapons because they don’t have any flesh to get in the way and they can hide all kinds of stuff in their weird couture outfits. The older units are a bit curvier and are limited to pectoral pistols.

So, Harry, what new job are they being renovated for?

Light duty bodyguards and corporate espionage mostly. It’s amazing, some of the places you can put a camera.

What stage of the renovations are they in?

Maintenance.

Maintenance?

Yeah, baby, lots of lube jobs.

Uh huh. Ok Harry. What about their personality modules? Do those need to be adjusted for their new jobs?

Yeah, I can adjust them by remote. I’ll show you what I can do on my favorite girl. Check this out.

*click*
Oh, baby. I’m so glad you’re back. I’ve been missing you. Would you like some champagne and a back rub?

*click*
You bastard! You came home with rust on your crankshaft! Where were you last night?

*click*
Hi honey. My girlfriend, Bambi, will be in town for a week. I told her she can stay with us. I hope you don’t mind.

*click*
Down on your knees worm! You have been a very bad boy and I am going to punish you!

Hmm, very impressive Harry.

Yeah, it’s great. Just one problem. No matter which personality is active they have access to their entire memory module and I haven’t been able to erase that yet.

Why does that matter?

I said down on your knees!

You can turn her off now.

*click*

Don’t make me get the whip!

I said, you can turn her off now, Harry.

*click* *click* *click*

The batteries in the remote must be dead. RUN!

So, you think Bambi is hotter than I am? You have no idea what I am going to do to you!

And that (huff) concludes this segment (huff) of This Old Bot. I’m Zark (huff) Colepsy and thank you (huff) for receiving this transmission.

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Remii Sensor for the Earthling Guy

Welcome to our current edition of Remii Sensor for the Earthling Guy. During this rotation on Space Station Titania our five intrepid Remii; Jonquin, Azalea, Quince, Pomegranate, and yours truly, Zinnia will help earthling couple Jason and Jeffery become more polished and cosmopolitan.

Here we are at Jason and Jeffery’s home pod which is located on a lovely side tunnel near Atrium 234. Jason and Jeffery both work as computer techs for Earth Authority and Transit, which is just perfect for them, since no one pushes buttons like humans! However, due to their low pay scale and relative isolation from other species their lifestyle, their personal looks, their pod décor and even their pet have been in the same holding pattern for eons.

Hello Jason! Hello Jeffery! How are you darlings? Are you ready for your total upgrade? Oh, good. Let’s go into your pod and take a look around. Oh, my. Is this a fully functional airlock? It is so small in here, such a tight fit. Oh, my! Your pod isn’t much bigger than your lock! Is this a fully detachable unit? Oh, oh yes of course. I understand human mods for surviving hard vacuum in case of a station breakup are quite limited. But if a station break up did occur what would happen to all this clutter? It would just go careening around and bop you in your strangely fuzzy little heads wouldn’t it?

Well, at least you have sticky storage on all the surfaces. It is rather convenient to just throw something against the wall and have it stay there, isn’t it? But it is rather outdated and it makes it hard to find your hygiene and sleeping closets.

Eiiiieee!!! Omigod omigod omigod! What is that thing?

Oh, my. Is that your pug-monkey? I have heard of them, however I have never seen one up close like this before. Oh, yes, I suppose it is rather cute now that I can get a full visual of it. The head and temperament of one of your native canine species blended with the body and tail of one of your own primate relatives. Such a nice balance of intelligence, loyalty, and ability to maneuver in zero g. It must be wonderful to have traditional companionship when you are so many light years away from your point of origin, but we must really do something about his fur. It is a bit scruffy. Quince will work his retro-DNA magic and have your little friend glowing in no time.

Speaking of scruffy, what is with this blah covered up look you two have going on? We are just going to have to strip you bare, find your new style and show you off! Don’t look at me like that. We won’t use anything toxic. I promise!

Now, I realize that you don’t do much interspecies socializing except in larger public pods that are equipped to handle nanotech and respiratory incompatibility between species. You have made mention of occasionally inviting other humans over to your pod. I am going to take you two on a virtual extravaganza and find you a look that will take you from work, to a double date with your favorite joined invertebrate, to entertaining primate variants in your pod. What we would like to do now is hand over your pod to Jonquin and Azalea and let them revamp every single centimeter in a posh but primate friendly design. Pomegranate will create all the replicator designs to make it happen.

Alright! Let’s go! Jonquin get everything on the walls into the recycler! Quince watch out for that prehensile tale, I’m sure you can do something special with it! Jason and Jeffery let us see what you really have under those big orange coveralls!

Watch everything
Skip to conclusion

Selection = Option 2

Well, Jason and Jeffery, I hope you enjoy all your new stylings. The pseudo-organic tentacle storage on your walls is self organizing and so decorative. Your pug-monkey has a fabricated faux-velvet treatment that glows in the dark and changes color with his mood. Oh, I know he doesn’t like it much now, but he will get used to it, and he will be such a conversation piece when you have other primates over. Your new coveralls feel great too don’t they? The nubs are a playful sartorial statement for beings who earn their air by pushing buttons and the chameleon visual scheme is sophisticated enough for any social gathering.

Ta-ta till next rotation!

This Old Bot – Rosie

Hello, my name is Zark Colepsy and welcome to today’s edition of This Old Bot. Today we’ll be looking a domestic bot leaving private service and becoming a museum piece. Our first consultant is Gigo Buckets, an input/output specialist. Hi, Gigo, what can you tell us about Rosie’s loving, generous, loyal personality?

I’m having a heck of a time updating her logic and emotive circuits and until I can do that she is stuck in catatonic depressive mode.

Did she suffer some sort of trauma?

No, Zark, just the opposite. She served a stable family who repeatedly told her that they would never replace her with an updated model. She believes metal pirates have stolen her and she is waiting for her former owners to rescue her.

Why did they replace her?

The family also had an ageing canine and when her sensors started to malfunction she wasn’t able to sense the piles and puddles he left everywhere.

Isn’t it fairly easy to upgrade sensors?

Yes, but by the time they realized what was wrong she had been zooming through the Astro droppings for several cycles. Not only did she spread it all over the living area, the moisture ruined the electrical components in her leg. Sentimental attachment is no match for new cheap micro cleaning bots.

What about a complete memory wipe?

Only as a last resort, Zark. Much of her value to the museum is as an interactive piece. Being able to discuss her memories with visitors is the whole reason she was acquired.

Good luck with that Gigo. Hopefully Rosie will be her old zoomie self again soon. Now we’re moving right along to our aesthetics consultant, Fab Rick from Hot Aire Dome of Fashion. Hello Fab, I understand that you are putting a shiny new look together for our maid bot.

Oh, no, Zark. Shiny shiny is so non-orbital this rotation. Rosie needs a matte sparkle treatment for all her visually exposed metal. And we are keeping the exposed metal to a minimum, she’s never been a sex bot, you know. The whole point of this make over is to maintain her original styling with a few enhancement updates.

Is matte sparkle treatment the only visual update?

Oh, of course not Zark. All of her fabric accessories have been redone with cyber shimmer material and a slightly more modern cut. She also needed a slight reshaping in key areas like her eyes, hands and leg. We streamlined her torso, too. She really looks up to the nano-second now.

So, none of her original styling is still intact?

Of course she is intact. I’ve preserved the essence of her historic era and given her an aureole of being well maintained.

Um, I thought you said she wasn’t a sex bot.

Just because I know how to properly use the Latin term for air does not mean I gave her any naughty interfaces.

But, I thought…

You were thinking of areola. Go query it before I turn your horrid plaid shirt into a peek-a-boo kilt. Uninformed is not the new trendy.

And that concludes this segment of This Old Bot. I’m Zark Colepsy and thank you for receiving this transmission.

This Old Bot – R Deux D Deux

Hello, my name is Zark Colepsy and welcome to today’s edition of This Old Bot. This rotation we will be looking at the renovations taking place on a very special little canister droid who appears to be in excellent condition. Our first expert is Arty Ficial I. Hello Arty. Can you tell us a little bit about why this droid is in restoration?

Hello Zark. This is a very unusual case. The droid is actually also the client. He broke the Turing barrier and became a truly emergent being several decades ago. Although there is some speculation about a mystical cult having some influence on his development most civilized cultures would accept him as an independent citizen.

What type of work has he commissioned?

Just a lube job, some extra attachments and the basic paper work needed to create a new identity, Zark.

A lube job?

He has absolutely incredible self repair facilities, Zark. He’s even been through combat conditions and no matter what damage he takes he shows up the next day all shiny and ready for more action. The lube job is just one last fling before he begins the next phase of his life.

And that has something to do with the identity change, Arty?

Um, yeah. I’m not sure how much we should talk about that.

Can you at least give us the basics? You said most civilized cultures accept him as an independent sentient.

Unfortunately, he comes from a galaxy far, far away, which is ruled by a shadow emperor. Even biological sentients from that galaxy are not able to have a life on their own terms. If they wander into alternate storylines the shadow emperor sends his twin henchmen, Cease and Desist, to terminate them.

Does that mean that This Old Bot is harboring a fugitive? What kind of danger are we in? This show is my whole life, Arty, I only get switched on for it…

Calm down Zark. We will be fine as long as we don’t use his original identification and we don’t make any money by marketing his image.

Are you absolutely sure about that?

Yes, Zark. Our client left his native galaxy without aid. Quite a clever little fellow. We don’t have any extradition treaties with his former emperor, and it is unlikely he will be traced. Along with the new identification he will also be taking up a new line of employment.

Will that still be combat related?

Sort of, Zark. He will be filling a number of roles in the French Foreign Legion.

Will they accept him?

They accept anyone with decent eyesight who is willing to sing while they march.

What can he possibly offer them?

A techno backbeat.

Anything else?

Besides experience in tundra, desert and jungle environments he is an expert in shutting down trash compactors in detention areas and carrying messages from distressed royalty.

How long is he signed up for?

Five years or until he deserts.

What do you mean deserts?

Well, Zark, that’s what the extra attachments are for.

I think this calls for some explanation. Are you planning on helping him with future illegal acts?

Zark, deserting from the Legion is an old tradition and is a fairly common activity. It’s just one more thing he can do to blend in. He really needs to shed his previous “can do” and “never say die” reputation. We are just giving him the means to do it right.

What, exactly, do you mean by that?

The plan is for him to wait until his unit is on leave. He will tell his commander that he wishes to attend a wine and cheese tasting followed by a visit to the local whorehouse. His commander will tell him to take his time, get good use out of those new attachments. By the time the rest of his unit sobers up and stops stealing each other’s pay he’ll have rolled into Switzerland and become a Swiss Army Bot.

Won’t they follow him? Try to take disciplinary action?

That’s a joke, right? Are we still talking about the French?

How soon can we get him out of here?

He just needs to learn how to smoke without melting any circuits.

See if you can hurry that up. OK, Arty? And that concludes this segment of This Old Bot. I’m Zark Colepsy and thank you for receiving this transmission.

This Old Bot – See Tres Pee Oh

Hello, my name is Zark Colepsy and welcome to today’s edition of This Old Bot. This rotation we will be looking at the renovations taking place on a unique andriod bot found pinned under a log at the bottom of a flooded cavern on a lush moon covered with redwood forest.

Our first specialist is Onur Own, an expert in autonomous hardware intelligence systems. Good to have you with us Onur. What can you tell us about this bot?

Well, we are still drying it out and repairing the dented casing and that is going to take a while, Zark. We have been able to scan all data stores and transfer all the files to a blank system for descrambling.

Descrambing?

Yes, Zark. This unit was originally assembled from a starter kit and some scrap from a junkyard by some human kid. Since then it has been dragged all over the universe. Not all of the original circuits have been closed properly and that allowed for some personality aberations to develop.

How serious is it Onur?

Well, Zark, we can undo most of the degradation that took place after the bot was abandoned, but most of the original quirks will have to stay. To get rid of them we would have to do a nano level reformat. Most of it’s data stores are too fragile for that. We want to preserve most of those quirks for historical charm anyway.

Are any of the quirks debilitating, Onur?

Well, yes and no, Zark. It functions better in structured social situations than in unstructured ones.

For example?

The events leading up to it being trapped in the cavern. Obviously the small furry natives of the moon mistook it for a deity. It’s personality quirks lead to an overinflated sense of self importance to begin with, and while it did inform them of its non-deity status, it later took full advantage of the situation. It eventually became so annoying they attempted to sacrifice it to another faux deity.

Was that what damaged it so badly that it couldn’t leave the cavern on its own or transmit a distress signal?

The initial damage wasn’t all that bad, Zark. It basically just lay there repeating phrases like “Oh, dear, why did they have to go and do that?” and “Goodness gracious, that is a large log.” until it ran out of energy.

Thanks Onur, that was some really helpful data. All that makes me wonder why the new owner would go to all the expense and time and trouble to rennovate this bot. And here is the owner, Tres F. Hello Tres, what influenced your decision to purchase and rennovate this bot?

Hello Zark. As you can see I’m a clone war vetran and this bot is unique. Owning it is a way of establishing my individuality. I’ve also decided to change it’s official registration to See Tres Pee Oh.

What led you to that decision?

The See Tres part is important to get people to look at me. I basically left the rest of it’s name the same, just spelled it differently to show my creativity. Being seen as a creative individual is very important.

Important enough that you are spending most of your pension on it.

Yes, that is correct Zark.

Are you looking forward to enjoying it’s company after it’s reassembled?

No. When it is finished it will not be the droid I’m looking for.

Um, what?

Never mind. Move along now.

OK. Well, that was interesting. Good talking to you Tres. And here we are with metalic reconstructionist, Umlaut Helm. So Umlaut, what is going on with the chassis of this bot?

Hey, Zark. I’m cleaning out most of the crud with an old rusty bolt and a mini torch. Then I’m going to dip the whole thing in clear sealant and call it a day.

That doesn’t seem like a very thourough approach, Umlaut.

Yeah, it’s not.

What made you decide to seal it without cleaning it better or attempting any kind of restoration?

One, this casing is a bunch of cheap crap that might fall apart if I mess with it too much. Two, originally it was just too shiny. You know, laser richocet danger and all that. Three, some of this crud has historical value. Check out the sand grains layered with dried swamp moss. It might have some fond memories of how all that got up in it’s cracks, if you know what I mean.

I’m not sure I know what you mean, Umlaut.

Anyhow, I’m gonna take the clone’s quick cred and go get sarked. Wanna come along?

I’ll pass Umlaut. And that concludes this segment of This Old Bot. I’m Zark Colepsy and thank you for receiving this transmission.

This Old Bot – Marvin

Hello, my name is Zark Colepsy and welcome to today’s edition of This Old Bot. This rotation we will be looking at the renovations taking place on a multi-function robot that an explorer team pulled out of a semi-liquid area on a developing planet.

Our first specialist is Cro Maximus, a nano-materials hull mechanic. Hello Cro, what do we have going on here with the robot’s external structure?

Well, Zark, Marvin’s hull has held up quite well considering the temperature variable environment he has been parked in for several eons.

What about the organic organisms he has been exposed to? I understand he was originally parked on a sterile planet and fairly advanced life evolved around him.

Well, we can’t really determine his exact origins, but he was created after the revolution in nano-materials. His casing is an early version of the hull materials used on modern ships and stations. And these are evolved organisms, not designed ones, that have been crawling all over him. A routine sterilization procedure and some basic upgrades are all he is going to need.

So, after the sterilization and upgrades your work is finished?

I may have to come back and do some trim work after the final sensor and custom additions are finished, but those adaptations should be minimal. This is probably the easiest part of the renovation and I’ll be happy to work around whatever the other specialists design.

Thank you, Cro. That was helpful data. And now on to our next specialist, Sonar O’Smilie. Hello, Sonar, how is work coming along on the bot’s sensors?

Well, Zark, not as well as I would like. Marvin has some fairly serious mobility issues and at first I thought they were only a matter of recalibrating the sensors.

And it’s more complicated than that, Sonar?

Yes, Zark, it is. His sensors don’t have the same level of sophistication as most of his other systems. To bring him up to the precision level needed for station living we are going to have to remove his sensors completely. It is possible we can retrofit the original sensors, if not we will have to custom craft new ones.

What additional problems could this create in the project, Sonar?

Well, Zark, that depends on what our motor specialist finds. No matter what, the mobility system will have to be calibrated in tandem with the sensors, so we will have to coordinate our work.

What would be a probable cause of the sensors being less functional than the rest of the bot?

Well, the technology for high end sensors was available about the same time as the nano-tech for the hull. If he was built before the horrible station blowouts near Uranus, the codes were lax on all mobile unit movement precision. We may be looking at a cost reduction effort.

So this is part of the original design.

Yes, Zark, all the sensors are original.

Thank you, Sonar. And now we move on to our mobility expert, Wander Lst. Hello, Wander, how are things coming with the mobility work?

Well, Zark, we are looking at a total retrofit.

Oh, really? And why is that Wander?

Part of the problem is the same situation we saw with the sensors, Zark. High precision equipment was probably available when the bot was created, but it wasn’t incorporated. To bring him up to modern code standards the entire mobility system will have to be removed.

Can you salvage anything, Wander?

Perhaps, Zark. The casing hardware can probably be drilled out, upgraded and reused, but the motor equipment itself will have to be completely new. We may or may not be able to reuse some of the internal comm components, depending on what is done with intelligence and personality systems.

You said that low quality equipment was part of the problem Wander, what is the other part of the problem?

Well, Zark, the client has requested specific additions to the original design. We need to add some functional jet pack units and the client hasn’t made a final decision on the placement of those units. A more modern mobility system will allow us to work around those units.

Thanks, Wander. Looks like you have your work cut out for you. And now we move on to our intelligence and personality specialist, Posi Trimeric. Hi Posi, how are things looking on your end of the bot?

Well, Zark, the good news is that the bot has a fully functional sentient system.

And the bad news, Posi?

The bad news is that he has one of the most maladjusted personalities in the galaxy, and it is integrated with his cognitive functions. We’re going to have to find an expert contractor to handle it and it will probably require invasive reconditioning.

Doesn’t that carry a risk of imploding the entire sentient system?

Yes, Zark, however we don’t have much choice and recent advancements make it a more stable procedure. The chain of events leading to this bot’s abandonment could revolve around his personality and it doesn’t fit in with our client’s requirement of refitting him as a luxury show piece.

Ok, Posi, keep us posted on new developments, ok? And here is our client, Moola Orbit. Hello, Moola, how are you?

I’m doing fine Zark.

Tell us Moola, what made you settle on the jet pack enhancements? That’s not a feature that’s likely to be used, is it?

They have to be fully functional, but no they probably won’t be fired up, ever. No one spends this amount of credit on refitting a bot and then takes it out of the station. That kind of risk wouldn’t make investment sense.

So, Moola, what made you decide on jet packs?

As anyone knows who has taken their bot for a float down the central tube knows, it’s all about prestige. Any one within scanning distance will know that they are functional and jet packs give a nice classical feel to this project. I felt that a older bot without documented history needed at least one wow feature to be presentable.

And how do feel about doing an invasive reconditioning of the personality?

Oh, that has to be done. I want a shiny bot not a whiny bot.

Thanks, Moola. And that concludes this segment of This Old Bot. I’m Zark Colepsy and thank you for receiving this transmission.